I have been holding a secret from the readers of this blog since its inception.  I have bashed the Republican Party and some of its members in less than flattering terms.  However, in my opinion, they have earned this scorn.  But, truth be told, I am a Registered Republican.  I have been since the day I turned eighteen and registered to vote. 

That felt good to get out in the open. 

Perhaps I should explain.  I like to take surveys and have lots of choices in almost every situation.  Since the Republican primaries tend to have approximately 300 people on the ballot for one elected position, I like to basically throw my vote away by voting for the most oddball, outlandish, or in very rare situations, the most progressive candidate.  The ultimate goal was party sabotage.  Who among my fellow republicans would think that a traitor was in their midst? (Republicans have a unique trait that allows them to confuse concepts such as doubt and free thought as treason during GOP rule.  Double-standards also don't exist unless brought to the surface by Republican leaders accusing "the others" of such fantasy crimes.)

I love it when members of the GOP Bloviate Army claim that they have a minority opinion in "this sea of Liberal, Democrat viewpoints."   These buffoons bemoan the fact that they have no unified voice or leader like the Democrats (as in the President of the United States).  Well, as a Republican, and somebody full of unique ideas who can think for himself, I have come up with a solution to this lack of leadership.  I propose that instead of selecting political leaders through this primary nonsense, we use a round-robin boxing tournament to determine the GOP representative for the Executive Office. 

It will work in the same regard as the NCAA Basketball Tournaments; each and every Registered Republican will get paired up in a single-elimination boxing tournament with the title bout determining the Presidential and Vice-Presidential candidates.  After all, in a culture that strives to wed sports metaphors to nearly everything, this would be the ultimate in terms of the spoils system.  This will closely mimic school athletic seedings.  First, there are local boxing competitions to determine town, city, and county representatives.  Then, there will be regionals (or sectionals) followed by a state tournament featuring all the winners from the sectional bouts.  Finally, the top 50 boxers from the United States will duke it out to determine the top two fighters.  There will be no third-place prize.  Sorry.  But this person would probably have the same qualifications as a Cabinet Member appointed by Bush. 

Yes, it will take a long time to go through the boxing tournament, but it would be worth it to punch out a few stodgy republicans along the way.  Besides, who will mess with or back-talk the champion of the ring?  As Machiavelli famously said: "it is better to be feared than it is to be loved" when it comes to governance. 

All match-ups would be chosen at random, so it would be possible for me to be schedulded to fight a 70-year-old owner of a baseball team.  Perhaps Rush Limbaugh would be paired with an electrical appliance in a bathtub full of water.  In a rotating ball.  Next to power lines.  You know, get the ratings involved.  However, all the devices must be manufactured by a Republican-owned company, as Rush clearly isn't in shape to box human competitors just yet.

Statue accurately captures the rapt attention of the
spectators during the Steve King (R-IA) vs. Mike Ditka Bout.
Actually, it is a statue of Machiavelli.  He's also reading this article.

Regardless of the outcome, this would hopefully draw more interest in politics, perhaps encourage more people to steer the GOP from its Far Right course, or, in time, completely destroy the party.  All of these scenarios seem suitable.